Hey there, let’s talk relationships. Specifically, let’s talk about this trend of labeling every little thing about your partner as either a "red flag" or a "green flag." It’s like playing a relationship standards test, where the goal is to check off boxes and dodge the so-called deal-breakers. But honestly? I think this whole approach is kind of, well, stupid. Let me explain why.
The Problem With "Red Flags" and "Green Flags" Thinking
We’ve all been there. You’re on TikTok or Instagram, and someone’s giving you a checklist of red flags in a guy or green flags in a girl. “If they don’t text you back immediately? Red flag.” “If they always bring you flowers? Green flag.” But here’s the thing: humans aren’t checklists. Relationships are messy, nuanced, and way too complicated for these one-size-fits-all rules.
Psychologist Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, talks a lot about how modern relationships are shaped by unrealistic expectations. We want passion, stability, independence, and intimacy all at once, and then we’re told to categorize every interaction as good or bad. Perel suggests that this binary thinking is harmful because it oversimplifies what relationships are truly about: growth, understanding, and connection.
Why Red and Green Flags Don’t Tell the Whole Story
Think about it: what’s a red flag to one person might be totally acceptable to someone else. For example, maybe you think it’s a red flag if your partner spends a lot of time alone. But for someone who values independence, that might be a green flag. Relationships aren’t about finding a perfect person who ticks all your boxes; they’re about finding someone whose quirks and flaws you can live with.
Take Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability in Daring Greatly. Brown argues that we often avoid emotional risks in relationships because we’re scared of getting hurt. Labeling every behavior as a red or green flag is a way of protecting ourselves. But here’s the kicker: without vulnerability, you can’t have true intimacy. So if you’re constantly on the lookout for red flags, you’re probably shutting yourself off from deeper connections.
What Are 5 Qualities of a Good Relationship?
Instead of obsessing over flags, let’s talk about what actually makes a relationship healthy. Psychologists and relationship experts generally agree on these five qualities:
Trust: If you can’t trust your partner, the relationship won’t survive. But trust isn’t just about honesty; it’s about feeling secure in your connection.
Communication: Good communication isn’t just about talking—it’s about listening, understanding, and being willing to work through disagreements.
Mutual Respect: This means valuing each other’s opinions, boundaries, and individuality.
Emotional Support: A good partner lifts you up when you’re down and celebrates your successes.
Shared Values: While you don’t need to agree on everything, having similar goals and values can make a relationship stronger.
Notice how none of these qualities rely on spotting red or green flags? That’s because good relationships are about consistent behaviors and mutual effort, not isolated moments.
Why Can't I Feel Love in a Relationship?
Let’s address a common question: Why can’t I feel love in a relationship? Sometimes, the problem isn’t your partner—it’s your mindset. When you’re hyper-focused on spotting flaws, you’re not giving yourself the space to actually feel love. Love requires vulnerability, patience, and a willingness to accept imperfection.
Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, authors of Getting the Love You Want, argue that many people struggle in relationships because they’re looking for their partner to “complete” them. But no one is perfect, and expecting perfection will always leave you disappointed. Instead of focusing on what your partner lacks, try appreciating what they bring to the table.
The "Toxic" Red Flag Obsession
Here’s where things get really tricky. When we’re constantly looking for red flags, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Every human being has flaws, and every relationship has moments of conflict. Labeling these moments as toxic can prevent us from working through them in a healthy way.
Take Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which explores attachment styles in relationships. The book explains that many of our so-called red flags come from our own insecurities and attachment issues. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might see your partner’s need for space as a red flag. But that’s not about them—it’s about you. Understanding your own triggers can help you avoid mislabeling normal behavior as toxic.
Relationship Green Flags: Are They Helpful?
Okay, so what about green flags? Surely those are a good thing, right? Well, yes and no. Green flags can be helpful as a reminder of what to look for in a healthy relationship. But they can also be misleading if you’re using them as a checklist.
For example, one common green flag is “they’re always there for you.” But what does that really mean? Does it mean they cancel their plans every time you need them? Or does it mean they’re supportive in a way that respects both of your boundaries? The problem with green flags is that they’re often vague and open to interpretation.
How to Move Beyond the Flags
So, if red and green flags aren’t the answer, what is? The key is to focus on the bigger picture. Instead of judging your partner based on isolated moments, look at the overall pattern of their behavior. Are they kind, respectful, and supportive most of the time? Do they make an effort to communicate and work through conflicts? If the answer is yes, then you’re probably in a good place.
John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, emphasizes the importance of positive interactions. According to Gottman, successful relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. That means it’s normal to have disagreements and tough moments—what matters is how you handle them.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, relationships aren’t about spotting red and green flags—they’re about building trust, understanding, and connection. It’s okay to have standards, but don’t let them turn into rigid checklists that prevent you from seeing your partner as a whole person.
So, the next time you find yourself asking, “What are the red flags in a guy?” or “What are the green flags in a girl?” take a step back. Instead of labeling, ask yourself: “Is this relationship helping me grow? Are we building something meaningful together?” That’s what truly matters.
Now, go out there and give your relationships the depth and nuance they deserve. And maybe, just maybe, throw away the checklist.
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